Jokes that make you go hmm – Page 1 Page 2
A little boy asked his father: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”
He replied: “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.”
A little boy asked his mother: “Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face?”
She replied, “To make myself beautiful.” She began to remove the cream with a tissue a few minutes later.
Surprised, her son said, “Are you giving up?”
Harvey had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. His faithful wife Margaret was by his bedside day and night. One evening, Harvey awoke and signalled for her to come closer.
In a weak voice he said to her, “you have been with me through all the bad times. You always supported me when I lost jobs and when my business failed. When the bank took our house, you were there. When I became sick, you were by my side.
In looking over my life I have come to one conclusion. Margaret, I think you’re bad luck.”
Walking on the beach after a storm, Max finds a genie’s lamp. He bends down, picks it up and rubs it. Out pops a genie who grants the man one wish for freeing him.
Max asks for the genie to build a bridge between New South Wales and Tasmania.
The genie eyes grow large and he says, “Even a great genie such as I would struggle for years to complete it. Isn’t there something else you want?”
Having had poor luck with his last girl friend, Max says, “I wish to understand women.”
The genie sighs and says, “Do you want a two or four lane road?”
A funeral procession drives past a golf course. Lining up to make his putt, Angus stops what he’s doing, holds his hat over his heart and bows his head as the hearse goes by. He goes back to lining up his putt.
His playing partner says, “You’re quite the gentleman to show such respect for the dead.”
Angus sinks his putt and says, “Well, she was a good wife for twenty-five years.”
Tom walks into a pub and orders a beer. He notices the sign saying they have a Breathalyser. He asks the bartender what it does. The bartender replies, “It’s a bag that tells how much you drank.”
Tom shrugs and says, “I married one of those things years ago.”
Hardware is the part of the computer that you can kick.
Software is the part that is sold with broken bits that require constant updates to partially fix it.
An optimist says the glass is half-full.
A pessimist says the glass is half-empty.
A programmer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
What’s the difference between a used-car salesman and a software salesman?
The used-car salesman knows he’s lying.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a hardware problem.
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They make darkness a standard and tell everyone to upgrade to it.